How to Stop “Give me That” and Teach Respectful Requests
Do you often hear, “Give me that now!”… “I don’t have to listen to you” … or an abundance of “No?” Do you walk around on eggshells trying not to “set off” your child? Do you sometimes wonder who is controlling whom? Here are some strategies to regain control and turn “Give me that now” into “Can I have that please?”
STEP ONE: Identify WHY your child is saying what he is saying. WHAT is he trying to accomplish? What does he want? Is he trying to get ATTENTION? Is he trying to AVOID/ESCAPE doing something he doesn’t want to do? Does he want a TANGIBLE item?
STEP TWO: Teach the RIGHT behavior to get what he wants.
STEP THREE: REINFORCE the right behavior so it will continue.
Here are before, during, and after strategies to teach your child to get what he wants the right way.
BEFOREHAND: Proactive Strategies
- Write a social story
- Social stories use descriptive, directive, and perspective sentences to explain the expected behaviors in a given setting.
- Role Play
- Contrive situations that mimic the ones your child uses disrespectful words in, using dolls, action figures, cartoon characters, siblings, or peers, and model “scripts” of appropriate exchanges to get what he wants.
DURING: Incidental teaching
1. In the natural environment, when he grabs a toy away from someone else and says, “Give me that,” immediately intervene. Take the toy and give it back to the other child and MODEL the correct phrase to say, such as, “Can I have that please?” Do NOT just say, “We don’t say that” or “What do you say?” You need to provide the correct phrase to use many times until it becomes habit and on the tip of his tongue. In addition to learning to get what he wants by asking appropriately, he learned, by the adult removing the toy immediately when he demanded rudely, the he does NOT get what he wants using those words.
2. After many times that the appropriate phrase is modeled for him, the adult can fade the prompt by saying, in the given situation, “How can you ask?” But remember, do not fade prompts too quickly. Give your child plenty of practice by modeling the whole phrase until it is on the tip of his tongue.
3. If the disrespectful words are being said to get attention, then a short “time out” in another room is a good consequence to teach the child that only kind words are allowed in that room. A “time out” should only be used when the behavior is being done to get attention, as a “time out” is the removal of attention. If the disrespectful words are being said in an attempt to avoid cleaning up, a “time out” would REINFORCE the behavior, as it would delay cleaning up. If the disrespectful words are said to get a toy or item from someone, a “time out” should not be used, as it does not teach the child what to do instead to get what he wants.
AFTER: Positive Reinforcement
1. For any behavior to be maintained, it must be reinforced. For these new kind and respectful words, the most natural contingent reinforcer is to be given the object requested, or activity with the parent. Obviously this comes with limits. Whenever possible, allow the child to have the item requested, even if for a very brief time, and explain to the child when he can have it if not right away.
2. “Bonus” reinforcers such as a quick edible treat, special 1:1 time with parent, or access to a highly preferred activity should be given as well. Initially, start with very frequent “bonus” reinforcers and gradually thin out the frequency of reinforcers. When thinning out the frequency of the reinforcers, a visual chart is beneficial.
CONSISTENT Consequences with ALL adults
1. If he demands for something rudely, do NOT give it to him. Have all adults involved be as consistent as possible about this. ONLY give him what he wants when he asks the right way!